So the beginning of my day was awesome...

But the end of my day kind of sucked. 

This morning I went to my physical fitness class at 5:30 am knowing that everyone else would be taking a test of their ability to run 2 miles, do push ups and sit ups...and I would probably be failing this test miserably.  I have a pulled hamstring and a torn rotator cuff so pushups are a no go, and as for sit ups, well I can do SIT UP.  As in one, the "proper military way" (hands behind head etc).  When I got there my instructor said to me, "What time does the gym open?" and I said, "6:00." and he said, "See ya." I was STOKED because I really didn't want to risk reinjuring my hamstring when it was just getting back in shape.  So I went to the gym and worked my butt off on the climbing/gliding machine that I love so much for 30 minutes until I couldn't go another second.  After that I went to weigh in and made weight (thankyouverymuch) and proceeded to shower and spend the next 7 straight hours in class.  After all that I checked my email and there was an email from one of the cadre members basically chewing me out for having "skipped out on the PT test".  He was nice enough about it be the end result was clear, I was shamming and he didn't like it. 

It made me cry. 

I wrote him back and explained the situation to him.  It made me feel like crap because I have been working so hard to get in shape and then he acts like I am just playing around at this and not taking it seriously.  Really?  I pulled my hamstring trying to keep up with the freaking freshmen who were doing sprints after standing outside in the freezing cold.  My muscles were not warm and I ended up injured.  Hmm.  And get this, he is not even my instructor.

I will not let this get me down.  I will continue to persevere.  But it made me mad.  And now I have to go play nice with everyone (including this person) at a barbeque because *oh yes* my husband works with them. 

Game face on.  I can do this. 

And just you wait Cpt. Poop Head.  I will show YOU.  You cannot rain on my parade and get away with it for long. 

Tomorrow...

Clinicals start.

I am oddly nervous.  Why am I nervous?  This is all old hat to me.

Maybe because this signals the start of the new reality in my life.   
Ronna P. BSN 

I always thought those letters were so pretentious.  But now?  Now I can't wait to sign my nursing notes with those three little letters.  Sometimes I don't know why I waited so long.  Sometimes I can't believe I was so afraid of this. I had every excuse in the book as for why I didn't finish school.  But the truth was, I was scared to death that I didn't have it in me.  Some days I still feel that way, but it's just the lack of sleep talking.  When I close my eyes all I can see is me, in a blue cap and gown (and honor cord around my neck), walking across that stage with a HUGE smile on my face.

That is what gets me out of bed and to school every day.  613 more wake ups and I will be there. 

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Today was the first day of my first official semester in nursing school.  I was excited when I went to bed and my tummy was all a-flutter in ways I haven't experienced since high school.

At least that's what I thought it was.  About an hour later I was in the bathroom praying to God to "please let me die now, it would just be easier that way." Apparently God was not interested in granting that wish because I am here typing this for you to read.

I spent the remainder of the night in and out of bed that way and come morning I was exhausted.  Now, I am nervous AND wiped out and still feeling a little queasy.  I'd like to come face to face with the little virus who held court over my innards last night because he was a mighty foe. 

Fast forward to 9:30 am today and I am sitting in a room with 32 other bright shiny new nursing students and we are about to get the rude awakening of our lives.  A 6 hour orientation to what felt like the entire nursing course but what was actually only one of our 5 classes.  Holy. Cow. I kept saying to the girls around me, "How can this be only one class???  WHAT IS YET TO COME THIS WEEK???  They kept looking back at me in fear, the same look I am sure I was giving them. All the while the evil virus was lurking about making his presence known with occasional waves of nausea. 



I should be thankful.  I AM thankful.  I will be thankful.  Tomorrow.  After I have had a good nights sleep and...oh wait. Tomorrow I start my Military physical fitness class.  Maybe I will be thankful on Thursday...

Repeat after me: May 13, 2012.  May 13, 2012.  May 13, 2012.  I will graduate with honors thankyouverymuch.


I can do this.  I can. I will. I must.


 

Books. Books will be the death of my savings account.

Welcome to the first semester of Nursing School.  Kiss your money goodbye.

How does the smallest book in this pile cost the most money? Used? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

I'm in the wrong business.  I need to start publishing books.

I know it's in there somewhere...

My will to study for these exams.  I know it is.  It's just temporarily left my head.  Tomorrow I will be in a panic because it will be the last day I have before THE day and I will be left sitting here wondering how I am ever supposed to remember all this crap (yes I said it, crap) that was blown at me from a fire hose the past 6 weeks. 

I looked at the study guide for my philosophy final and literally drew a total blank.  Did I actually read these books?  Because this stuff does not even ring a smidgen of a bell.  How is this possible?  I know I wrote a paper each week on these things, how can I not recall the basic concepts of the authors? 

Oy.  Vey.

Thankfully the final tests are not a huge part of my grade so if I fail miserably I will still pass the classes.  I think. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen...

*sigh*

I currently have a C+ in my religion class. 

There goes my GPA.

:(

This schedule may prove to be too much

I thought I could pull it off. Two online classes plus two in class audits, how hard could it be?

Apparently a lot harder than I anticipated. These online classes are taking ALL of my free time and after I sit through these fairly intense lectures on Anatomy and Microbiology the last thing I want to do is read difficult philosophy or religion texts and write about them. I think I am going to have to give up on the auditing. As much as I think it would be helpful to me, I really want to keep my GPA up for my real classes and I just got a B- on my first religion paper. (boo.) I can rewrite it and he gave me suggestions on how to improve it but SHEESH. B-? I have never gotten a B- on an essay before. I really need to focus and with our upcoming schedule it's going to be nearly impossible (houseguests, boating weekends etc.) I understand that these profs feel like they need to cram a semester worth of info into 6 weeks, but do they REALLY have to cram a semester's worth in? I don't think so.

*sigh* I haven't even started my Religion reading yet and I have my first assignment due tomorrow. And I have to write my first Philosophy paper by noon tomorrow and I am really struggling with the text, why can't these people just SPEAK ENGLISH? Fortunately I ran into my Philosophy Prof at GU today and we had a nice chat. He seems to like what I have done so far so I think I will be ok, he gave me some tips on how to write but it is still really hard stuff. He knows that though so I will just do my best.

Ugh. I just want to get to the nursing stuff. Even though that will be hard, at least it will make sense.

Dear John Stuart Mill

While I appreciate that you may be a brilliant 19th century philosopher, in the words of a brilliant 21st century philosopher, I dedicate this song to you.

Please. For the love of all that is good and right in the world and for my sanity. Say what you need to say and GET ON WITH IT!!

*headdesk*

Summer break, what the heck is that?

I am supposed to be on summer break right? 

Right.

That's why I got up at 5:30 this morning and went to class at 7:00 am to listen again about the joys of the digestive system (at least I don't have to take the tests) and then spent the rest of the day alternating between reading "Christianity: A Social and Cultural History" and writing a sweet little 600 word (i.e. three page) essay for Philosophy on Herrera v Collins or "The guy who shot two policemen, confessed and then 8 years later decided he was really innocent and wanted a new trial so they wouldn't put him to death".  I had one whole day to prepare for writing about that for which I had to read Plato's Crito, MLK's Birmingham Jail Letter and one other thing I never actually got to. And the best part? I have to post it for EVERYONE TO READ. *horrors*  Oh and I was supposed to read my professors "lecture".  Yeah.  Right.  And I still have to do all of my religion homework for tomorrow.  Oh but I still have 5 chapters to read in my religion book before tomorrow.  Oh yes and I still have to read about the Perpetua whatevertheheckthatis.  And write a essay about that by this weekend.  And do some post thingy for both classes on Blackboard.  Still don't get that whole thing.

Summer break? 

Not a chance.

Eight days

That's how long it took to get our house into what we consider "selling ready". What does that mean anyway? For us it means that basically it looks like a model home. It looks like nobody lives here. We moved stuff out, bought new stuff, changed out bedding, painted walls, planted plants, cleaned like nobodies business, serviced all the appliances, put a ton of stuff in storage, and basically worked ourselves into utter exhaustion. But I guess the upside is when we are ready to move, 95% of the work is already done, all we have to do is pack up what is left. Now, we wait. We wait for the plethora of home buyers (can you hear the sarcasm in my voice?) And I turn into a raging monster about cleanliness.

In the midst of this I have done exactly nothing for my philosophy class. The upshot is I have learned that I really do not need to do anything for my philosophy class because the prof basically lectures for 2 hours straight about nothing even close to what he says he was going to lecture on. So the fact that I have not read the text is not a problem. Let's hope that continues today. And lets hope that the fact that I have not showered is not offensive to my fellow classmates.

Here's to hope.

I remember when...

I remember when I used to have time to read the magazines that come to my mailbox.  The one that makes me look super smart and nurse-y (Nursing2010) and the trashy one that nobody but me better open before I get to read it or heads will roll (People).  These days my Nursing magazines stack up for months before I get time to devote to reading all the journal articles and my People Rule (don't touch or I WILL cause you bodily harm) has gone by the wayside.  *sigh*  I am looking forward to the day when I can sit and read them without guilt.  

Right now I am trying to read Plato/Phaedo.  It's all of 67 pages long but it's INTENSE and really hard to understand.  Talk about philosophical gobbledegook.  Socrates sure liked to ask questions didn't he?  I guess that's why they call it the Socratic Method. Blech.  I'm glad we are only spending one week on it.  

Yellowstone was great, I wish the weather had been better.  It was coooollldd and snowy the whole time we were there.  This meant that most of the hot springs were just hot steamy lakes and we couldn't really see the beauty of them.  But we saw lots and lots of wild life.  Including a 967 pound grizzly.  Holy cow that thing was HUGE.  We went to a Grizzly/Wolf exhibit.  The wolves were super cool.  I had no idea they were so tall!  And so BIG.  They were really playful and fun to watch.  Yesterday we drove home, 11 hours in the car.  I was never so glad to see my house.  And sleep in my bed.  

Busy rest of the week ahead!  Happy Wednesday everyone!

A quote from Frankl "Man's Search for Meaning"

"...Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire...the salvation of man is through love  and in love.  I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved."

I am loving this book.

Pressing on through the hard part.

I'm not sure why but always at the end of the semester or quarter, my body wants to give up about a week before it is actually given permission by me to do so. Today, all day, all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. I need to continue on at high rev for another 10 days so this is not an ok thing. Caffiene and I are not good friends so I turn to sugar which deposits itself on my backside which, with the approach of summer is not a happy thing.

*le sigh*

I so badly just want to have a few minutes to breathe. To not snap at everyone I love. To have time to take my puppy to the vet for her ear infection. To make dinner for my family.

To not be awake at 3am because my body is freaking out. That would be nice too.

The other night I dreamed I was pregnant but it was the day before I was to deliver and all of a sudden I realized I had missed the whole pregnancy and I was so sad because I really wanted to have that whole time back to relish and do over but I couldn't. I'm not sure if that was a warning to cherish this time or what it was but it was very clear to me that I need to slow down and enjoy what I have. Too many times in life I am in such a hurry to get through things and then when I am done and on to the next thing I wish I had that time back to do over again.

But I will not miss these sleepless stress filled nights. That is a fact.

Tomorrow, I will re-read these early morning ramblings and think "Man that girl needs to sleep some more". I will be right, lol.

Good night. Er-Good Morning.

Staying focused

This is the first time I have gone to school on a semester system and I have to say, it's difficult to stay focused for 16 weeks on the same subject matter.  I find that my mind is starting to sit slack jawed in class and look out windows while my actual body appears to be present and accounted for.  I may appear to be taking notes but I am not really absorbing the material.  Three more weeks.  I hope I can hold it together for that long.

I have spent the better part of the past two hours surfing the web and reading Facebook when I could have knocked out my english, sociology and philosophy assignments and been done with them...but I just don't have the desire to open one of those books, one.more.time.

What I really want to do is go watch the Real Housewives of New York on OnDemand.  Scandalous, I know.  Productive, it's not.

*sigh*  I have picked up my backpack and am about to open it.  The responsible person in me will not be quiet.  Where is that person at 4 o'clock on Mondays and Wednesdays during Philosophy?  Oh yeah, staring out the window....dang it. 

Three more weeks...