Today

Today I nearly broke down in tears over an outline. An outline.

I think sometimes I take life too seriously. Granted it was a group effort outline and I had left it at home and I was concerned that I was going to cost the entire group the "A" we deserved for our (my) presentation but still. Tears?

Sleep deprivation plays a part of this story. I only had three blessed hours of it last night. Sleep deprived Ronna always cries. She also yells STOOOOOOOPPPPPP at the puppy really loud (I just did this now) when the puppy is especially annoying.

I need a really good break where I just have some fun and have nothing else to worry about.

Yeah. I'll get back to you on that concept somewhere after Mother's Day 2012 which happens to coincide with my graduation from Hell otherwise known as Gonzaga University.

Must sleep now...

Pressing on through the hard part.

I'm not sure why but always at the end of the semester or quarter, my body wants to give up about a week before it is actually given permission by me to do so. Today, all day, all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep. I need to continue on at high rev for another 10 days so this is not an ok thing. Caffiene and I are not good friends so I turn to sugar which deposits itself on my backside which, with the approach of summer is not a happy thing.

*le sigh*

I so badly just want to have a few minutes to breathe. To not snap at everyone I love. To have time to take my puppy to the vet for her ear infection. To make dinner for my family.

To not be awake at 3am because my body is freaking out. That would be nice too.

The other night I dreamed I was pregnant but it was the day before I was to deliver and all of a sudden I realized I had missed the whole pregnancy and I was so sad because I really wanted to have that whole time back to relish and do over but I couldn't. I'm not sure if that was a warning to cherish this time or what it was but it was very clear to me that I need to slow down and enjoy what I have. Too many times in life I am in such a hurry to get through things and then when I am done and on to the next thing I wish I had that time back to do over again.

But I will not miss these sleepless stress filled nights. That is a fact.

Tomorrow, I will re-read these early morning ramblings and think "Man that girl needs to sleep some more". I will be right, lol.

Good night. Er-Good Morning.

Just how far is the east from the west?

I was searching for a video for a friend today and I came across this song and it stopped me cold. It made me think. Am I doing all I can to reflect Christ in my life? Am I showing Him how grateful I am for what He did for me? He does not keep a record of my wrongs and this is a good thing. I am thankful that only He knows just how far the East is from the West.

I need some cheerleaders...

Dear God please let me find some motivation this week!!  I desperately need it and there is none to be found.  If you could just send a little bit down each day to jumpstart my brains and body I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

It's three nineteen am and I am awake.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just a part of getting older.  Most times I just think it's because my body hurts and sleep eludes me when my body hurts.  10 novocaine shots will do that to a jaw.  Funny, she can't get me numb and then after she finally does it feels like I have gone 12 rounds with Sugar Ray Leonard for about a week afterward. 

I wish I had known that my body was going to revolt in my 40's, I would have enjoyed my 20's and 30's oh so much more.  I would have been more adventurous and less fearful.  I would have gone skydiving and bungee jumping.  I would have skiied more and worried less.  I would have run.  I would have played.  I would have lived. 

I feel like I say "ow" too much when in truth I say it only about 1/10th of the time that I really feel pain.  If I told my husband how often this broken body of mine really feels like just taking a breather I think he would just call the nursing home now.  I refuse to give in to it.

Except at three nineteen am.  Then I just get angry.  I would like to at least sleep.  I don't think that is asking too much. 

I know I have been griping about how long this semester has been but...

Holy cow there are only a few days left and I just realized how much work I have to do in those few days.  Papers to write, finals to study for, quizzes and tests to take BEFORE finals can be taken.  I just want to stop and breathe for a minute, but I can't because if I do I will fall behind.  

And I am sort of bummed because in order to stay on track for graduation I have to take classes all summer.  Granted they are mostly online classes but classes nonetheless so no real break for me. (except for the two classes I decided to audit to refresh my memory, those will be M-Th 7:30-12:00.  What was I thinking...) I think the biggest drain on my body right now is the fact that I am carpooling with my hub to save gas three days a week which means I spend all day at school and then have to come home and do my homework on top of that.  I really can't focus on it at school in his office, too many distractions.  At least fall semester my class load won't be like it is now.  Which is a funny statement considering I will be starting nursing school but it will all be stuff I have done for years so basically review.  I think the hardest class will be pathopharmocology.  And yes that is a word.  

I can't wait until all I have to do is go to work and come home and there isn't any studying waiting for me at the end of the day.    I know it's all a part of the bigger picture but I am le tired.  And old.  There's a reason they give babies and college to the young.  They're young.

Sleep

Sleep is an elusive beast at times....never on the nights when I don't really need it desperately.  But always on those nights when I have a test or a quiz the next day.  Then of course I will be sitting here at 2:42 in the morning wondering how I am ever supposed to wake up at 5:30 if I ever happen to fall asleep at this point. 

Tomorrow will be a long day.  Thank you God for the comfy couches in upper Crosby.  They are my lifesavers!

Staying focused

This is the first time I have gone to school on a semester system and I have to say, it's difficult to stay focused for 16 weeks on the same subject matter.  I find that my mind is starting to sit slack jawed in class and look out windows while my actual body appears to be present and accounted for.  I may appear to be taking notes but I am not really absorbing the material.  Three more weeks.  I hope I can hold it together for that long.

I have spent the better part of the past two hours surfing the web and reading Facebook when I could have knocked out my english, sociology and philosophy assignments and been done with them...but I just don't have the desire to open one of those books, one.more.time.

What I really want to do is go watch the Real Housewives of New York on OnDemand.  Scandalous, I know.  Productive, it's not.

*sigh*  I have picked up my backpack and am about to open it.  The responsible person in me will not be quiet.  Where is that person at 4 o'clock on Mondays and Wednesdays during Philosophy?  Oh yeah, staring out the window....dang it. 

Three more weeks...

Sometimes you just gotta laugh...

On Tuesday, I went in to the dentist to get a crown put on the root canal that I had done back in March. This root canal cost me $1500 because I had already exhausted my dental benefits for the year (It is only March. It has been this sort of year...) I actually cried when the financial lady told me how much this root canal/crown was going to cost me but I ponied up the money and took it like a (wo)man.

It was nearly a month after the actual root canal before I could get back in to get the crown seated due to my crazy schedule but Tuesday I finally made it in. When the office lady called me to confirm my appointment on Monday, she asked me if I wanted to have impressions made for a new night guard (I grind me teeth badly). I told her that I could not afford a new one at this time and she said, "Well you have $688 credit so you can just use that!" Stunned I stammered something about that being ok and hung up the phone. Six hundred eighty eight dollars credit? How could this happen?

Apparently she underestimated my insurance payments (by a lot) and so she over charged me (by a lot). There was apparently insurance money left over when she said there was not thus the large credit. So, I went ahead and ordered the new night guard which costs nearly $500 dollars.

While they were seating the new crown, I was experiencing a lot of pain, which was odd since there are no nerves left in the tooth, but we thought it was just from my grinding and the fact that I had not been wearing my old night guard. My dentist numbed me up a bit and all was ok. Sort of.

Fast forward to today, Thursday. I have not been able to chew on that side of my mouth since Tuesday and now I have hot and cold sensitivity. This afternoon I developed intense jaw pain. I figured it was just a bite adjustment (that's what they always tell me) so I ran over to the dentist to have them adjust the crown.

Except instead of a bite adjustment my dentist tells me I need a root canal on the tooth behind the newly placed crown. Oh and it's going to cost $1000. Just for the root canal. Not including the crown.

Sometimes you just gotta laugh. Or else you will cry.

Celebrating God's timing :)

What a day!! First, Allen met with his benefactor who was very impressed with his work and said, "I would like to continue supporting this work." YAY! This means he will continue to be employed by the university and we will continue to have income. This, is a very good thing.

Then, I got an email that informed me that I have been accepted to the Nursing Program for the fall!! April 7th, 2010 is going down as a day to celebrate in our household :)

God really does have a sense of humor. He relieved all of our stress in one fell swoop today. Thank you thank you thank you God!

Puppy etiquite 101

Lesson learned last night: Do not leave tea down where the puppy can sample it. I took my *hot* tea downstairs last night and put it next to my chair and when I went back downstairs to get it, it was now cold. I picked it up and took a sip...and got a dog hair in my mouth. "Eww, that was gross..." I thought. "Why is this cup so sticky?" was my next thought. My last thought before nearly hurling was, "Hey, I didn't drink this much of my tea OH GROSS!!!!!" The adorable pup had helped herself to about half of my tea...and left behind some of her slobbers. BLECH!!! I may never recover.

He is Risen!

He is Risen Indeed!!

While I'm Waiting...

It's 2:12 am and I am suddenly awake and frustrated again because my shoulder and neck hurt still in spite of taking muscle relaxers and pain relievers and my insurance rejected my appeal again and we still don't have any idea about Allen's job...I still haven't heard about nursing school and I realized that I haven't been doing my part in this. I haven't been praising God and waiting patiently for him to reveal himself to me in the midst of this stormy time. I know he has a plan in here somewhere I just don't know where. But he wouldn't just throw me into the deep end and not give me a life preserver. My life preserver is his word and his promises that he will never leave me or forsake me. I just need to remember that he is here and he has a plan. He may seem to be asleep in the stern of the boat while a storm rages on my seas, but he is still in control and he can still calm the storm with just a word.

I will serve you while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting....