Of visits home, school and panic attacks.

I had a visit home last weekend.  It was the nicest escape from reality I have had for quite a while.  And I really did escape.  I went golfing with a couple of friends one morning and just goofed off like I didn't have a care in the world.  I played with my grandbabies.  I watched my nephew play college baseball for the first time since he started college (he is a senior).   I spent much needed time with my daughter.  I got to play mousetrap with my sister and Emma.  I just chilled.

Well for the most part.  There were the nights where I locked myself in my room and studied (one night until 2 am) but for the most part I just enjoyed being home and not spending the entire weekend consumed by school. 

When I was driving home I spent an inordinate amount of time shopping the outlet malls on the west side of the mountains.  I hate shopping.  Especially for winter clothes.  But shop I did.  For 5 hours. 

When I finally got on the road and started to crest the pass to Eastern WA, I had a full blown panic attack.  Crying, couldn't breathe, felt like I was going to throw up.  What the heck? 

I have been dealing with a ridiculous amount of stress at school, not all of it related to school work.  I'm not going to elaborate on a public venue, I will just say that I was put in a position that I should never have been put in and I was not able to get out of it and it was pressing me to the floor.  I had no idea how badly it was effecting me until I tried to drive home.  And nearly couldn't. 

So what did I do?  I phoned a friend.  They were able to calm me down and at the end of the call I was laughing and able to drive the rest of the way home with some perspective and a determination to deal with the BS and make all of this better.

Which I did, finally.  Yesterday.  I am less stressed today, in some ways.  More in others.  My grades are not what I want.  I am frustrated by that.  I had a goal of graduating with honors and I see that slipping away in a cloud of 22 credits and B- grades.  I am taking a huge class load and it is too much.  No matter how much I hate summer school I won't do this again.  It's just too hard. 

I'm just so tired.  I never knew how hard all of this go go go would be.  7 hour straight classes followed by hours of homework.  I am trying to be present for my family but I spend the majority of my time sitting right here.  In this very seat. I am surprised my butt is not shaped like this chair.  Or my seat at school.  I am not actually sure if I am tired, or just tired of school.  Probably both.  I am so ready for Christmas break.  I honestly do not even care if I leave my house for 3 straight weeks. 

I need to find the happy here.  It's in here somewhere.  I just need to remember how to navigate to it. 

I am surrounded by books and concept maps, chocolate and red wine.

I really want to whine and moan and complain.  But instead I am going to say that I am studying hard.  Eating too much.  Drinking my share of red wine and eating my way through a bag of mini chocolate chips.  It helps with the stress. 

It's almost mid term.  How. Did. That. Happen.

I'm sorry I am a neglectful blogger.  But you see, if you could catch a glimpse of my desk you would understand.  I promise to resurface someday...

~R