Of long breaks from blogging...

Dear Blog, I have abused you this year.  I just looked back and realized I have not addressed you since the beginning of this school year.  This may be a testament to the brutality of the school year, or it may be a testament to the brutality of my life this past year, either way there has not been much I have felt comfortable writing down in a public venue.  Oh how I wish I had a private place to dump my feelings that was at the same time safe and private and also public/anonymous so that I could get support from complete strangers.  It has been a hard 6 months.

But in this 6 months of hardship, of being away from my husband, of biting clinicals and horrifyingly bad tests and care plans I learned that I am not a weak person. I also learned that true love conquers all. That love the comes from a source not within our selves is the only true love and is capable of bringing about healing in the worst of situations. I learned that I am a very fallible human, weak to my very core. My husband realized that he cannot, in fact, live his life or take one breath without me.  It has been good/bad/ugly and finally redeeming. And that was just October.

Now I am in the homestretch and I live my life for those 6 hour plane rides that take me back to my lover and best friend. It took us 16 years but amazingly, I finally have this man in my life who knows what unconditional love is.  He has come to realize that he cannot breathe without me. It is crushing to know this. I feel like a giddy school girl every time I see him.  Recently before I left for a flight back to the mainland we were clinging to each other at the airport and I was pretty upset when I got on the plane and a woman asked me how long it would be before I saw my boyfriend again, and how long we had been together.  When I replied that it was my husband and we had been married almost 16 years her jaw dropped.  She couldn't believe that people who had been married that long could have such an intense love and connection. The truth is, it never has to go away.  God means for us to love for a lifetime and I believe we can and should.  It's about priorities. It takes work. Yes we fight but they never last for long.  I hate being mad at him.  It ruins everything.

I am so ready to be done and be with him and start our life.  I hate being in this holding pattern.

*sigh*  Trials and tribulation make us grow.  I know this.  But I think I am done growing for a bit.

First week of my last year.

So after a very busy but surprisingly refreshing summer, I came home and in a whirlwind I: packed up my household goods and sent them to Maui, moved into my *very small apartment*, has to put my dog to sleep and moved my youngest into the dorms for the last time.  Literally all within the space of 8 days.  To say I was stressed would be an understatement.  I lost 10 pounds in 5 days.  I, was a wreck.  I still haven't dealt with the death of my dog.  I've had her since she was 7 weeks old and she was just shy of her 12th birthday.  She was a wonderful loving girl and I miss her terribly.  My husband is 2600 miles away and I seriously thought I might have a nervous break down before the week was out.  

But I didn't.  I did that thing Army Wives do.  I just did.  Now I just have to survive this one last year.  I am realizing that I have this year to plan out all the things I want to do one last time before I leave this place that I think I hate so much.  But maybe, I don't hate it so much.  I just am through being here.  I felt the same way when we were almost through being on Oahu and then the last day, when we were standing in the airport suddenly I didn't want to leave.  I don't want that to be my experience here so I am going to make sure I do it all.  Make all the memories I can one last time.  Even though I am here alone, I'm not really alone.  I have my friends and we are making memories that I love.  

And then, I'm outta here.  Maui, look out.  You will never be the same once I get there.  :)

The one entitled "how my life went from crazy to insane in 24 hours" otherwise known as normal around here.

We moved to Maui.  Best decision ever.  When we made this decision we did it fully knowing that we would have to "sell" our house in Spokane which in today's market actually meant that we would probably end up losing it and our good credit score and therefore we would lose the ability to buy another home for a good 5-7 years.

When we got to Hawaii we discovered that we could actually buy a house completely, close it, move in and everything, before we sold our Spokane house.  This was good news.  We decided to immediatley start house hunting.  Houses in Maui are breath taking.  Breathtakingly EXPENSIVE.  But we found THE HOUSE.  I mean, I was ready to move in immediately and never leave.  We offered a ridiculous offer.  They accepted.  We owned a house.

Now we had to let go of our Spokane house by starting the short sell process (ugly, not something we wanted to do.)  BUT WAIT! Within hours of buying the house in Maui, an offer came in on our house in Spokane.  Nearly full price.  Good enough that we will not lose a penny.  We bought and sold our homes in the space of a day.

My head is spinning.  Now Husband has two houses (the new one and his rental cottage) and I have none.  I have to find a place to live and I will not be home until about 5 days before closing.  I will actually be out of the country.  Makes Craigslist hunting a bit tough.  But God has provided to this point and I am not going to stress.  I am going to sit and think about the view from my back yard and the beauty that awaits me when I return to Maui after successfully completing my last year of nursing school.  43 years old.  Finally graduating with a Bachelors of Science.  That's me.  All grown up.

Just trying to remember to breath.  In.  Out.  In....

Pharmacology is not always our friend

For a while now (almost 6 years) I have been dealing with a hernieated disc in my neck and the resultant pain and suffering.  I have tried accupuncture, massage, narcotics, chiropractic, you name it for pain. Then my doc prescribed what, at the time, seemed to be a wonder drug for me.  It took away the pain and *hey* I lost a couple of pounds too.  What could be better.

Except then I started having some wicked side effects from said wonder drug.  I will spare you the details, suffice it to say, my GI tract hated me. 

So I decided that neck pain was better than feeling like I was dying in the abdominal area all the time and I started tapering off the medication (on the advice of my MD).  The taper went well, I started feeling better in the tummy area and finally I was human again (except for my neck). This lasted about a week.

Suddenly I woke up one morning about 4 days ago and I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland when she eats some of the good drugs.  My body was all disconnected from my brain in ways I cannot even explain.  The literature calls it "brain zaps".  The best way I can explain it is that it feels like my nerve endings are fried and not connecting to each other, a sort of shocking feeling and my vision is all stuttery.  Add to this a constant migraine (oh yes, this is also a known withdrawal side effect).  I.HATE.THIS.DRUG.  This can all go on for WEEKS.  Even though I tapered off very slowly, the side effects too a week after my last dose to even show up.

Dear friends, I will admit.  I woke up this morning and took one of my Cymbalta pills, and then called my MD and asked for a lower dose, slower taper.  This is unbearable.  And unconcionable.  How this med made it past the FDA is beyond me.  It should be banned. 

I am not a happy nurse right now.  :(

Typing with one eye closed is a bad idea

I just reread my last post and giggled at all the typos and bad grammar. Very tired was I and quite possibly a little high on some pain meds. But I am pleased with my new blog design (except for the font color of the bio...still have to work on that).

Today was spent on an ethics test. Tough subject matter (physician assisted suicide and passive and active euthanasia) and in the middle I decided to research transferring to U of Maui finish my degree. I'm not sure it is possible but I am still considering looking into it. I am not excited about leaving this beautiful place or my amazing husband in 6 short weeks.

Ok I know I promised a breezy update and it IS coming but it is 12:10 AM and I will no doubt be awake at 5:00 when the roosters start up...yes Maui has a chicken problem. Oy.

Aloha!

First blog on my newly redesigned blog

I'm in Maui, I am sick, I have taken some serious medications to help me to sleep and hopefully not alternatively cough and say "ow" all night related to that pesky kidney stone that doesn't seem to ever want to come out.  This could have effected some of the color choices and text decisions  of my new blog design (do you like it?).  And of course any of the odd words that may appear in this blog.  I am making a disclaimer up front.  I am typing with one eye closed because, of course when you are seeing double it only makes sense to close one eye, right?

I need to go to bed and get some rest and hopefully feel better.  I promise a long and windy update soon.  My one sad thing I need to say today is that I accidently fell in LOVE with a house in Kula today.  So did Allen.  We were so in love with it we were considering how to write offers etc (this is totally not in our plan right now).  Then we emailed the listing to our daughter and she called and said, "What does this mean where is says you have to be 50% Hawaiian to buy and qualify for blah blah blah?  I stopped listening at the 50% Hawaiian part because I immediately knew that it was a Hawaiian Family Homes property and we would never be able to buy it.  I also lost a part of my soul  It was so sad.  I almost cried.  Alas, there will be other homes..but this wat the home.   Ah well.

Ok my eyes are crossing, time to drag my carcass to bed.  Love to you all!  More on my adventures when I am actually conscious!

~R

R

I can't believe I finished the whole thing.

First year down.  I am now a senior in college.  It may have taken a few years to get here but I'm HERE!!  This past year has been one of the most intense experiences of my life but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I am so happy that I chose to go back to school and finish my degree, and that I chose to get a bachelors degree.  And to have done it with mostly A's makes me the most happy of all.  One more year and I will be there!!

Now for a much deserved 12 day rest before I start my summer school classes...Hey they never said it would be easy :)

December 17th.

That was the date of my last entry.  This may give you an idea of how this semester has gone.  Ca-razy busy.  I cannot believe it is April 2nd already.  Only three weeks of classtime left, four weeks of school if you include finals and last clinical days and I will have year one under my belt.  It has been the most stressful year of my life. 

So much has happened in the past few months including a decision for Allen to move to Maui this summer to take a great job.  While this will be great in the long term, it will be really hard over the next year.  I am going to spend the summer with him (while I do summer school, yay. At least it's Maui...). And then I am going to Africa for 2 weeks for the culmination of my environmental health class.   When I come back from Africa I will have exactly 2 weeks and school will start up again.  It will be 5 months before I get to see my dear husband again.  It has been 6 years since we were last apart this long and I am not relishing it.  At least I will have school to keep me busy.

And keep me busy it does.  I try and take at least one day a week and just do nothing, but I pay dearly for that one day.  If I don't take it however, I quickly become a crispy burnt out nursing student.  What am I saying.  I am a crispy burnt out nursing student.  This one day just allows me to revive a few brain cells.  Yesterday I napped for 5 hours.  This was longer than I slept for either of the two nights before. 

I am too old for this. 

I keep envisioning myself at the beach with a good book and a cold beer.  This will help me to make it through the next few weeks. 

I hope I make it here before another three months has passed.  I make no promises.  I will however post pictures from Maui and Africa.  They promise to be spectacular :)

<3 you all !

*tap tap tap* This thing still work??

Well HELLO THERE!

I've just been reading through the past 6 months of blog posts here on my own lovely little blog and realizing that I have no life outside of school.  This is a very sad statement of affairs.

It also makes me realize how fortunate I am to be in a place where I am able to attend school at my age, and not have to work at the same time.  Lord knows I would not be able to do this.  Right now, I am looking forward to the next 4 weeks off, with no school work (a first for me.  In the past three years I have not gone 4 weeks without school).  I am going to spend them pestering my husband and hugging on him since he will be moving to Pullman and we will only see each other on the weekends come January. This is a lose/win situation.  The lose is obvious.  Hubster will be an hour and a half away all week.  The win is that I will not have the pressure of being a wife during the week.  It is so hard to play both roles, wife and nursing student.  (And let's not forget mom and Yaya.) I feel so bad all the time because I end up neglecting my family so that I can be a good student.  It will be better for us if I can concentrate on school and then be happy to see him when he comes home on the weekends. 

This semester has been b.r.u.t.a.l.  School 5 days a week with little break during the day and then homework til all hours.  I am so wiped out I can't even think straight.  Hopefully next semester will be a little better...but somehow I don't think it gets any easier.  I will only have two days of class time and perhaps 2 days of clinical, maybe 1 depending on the length of the clinical.  But I believe the workload will be greater.  And those two days are 10 hour straight through days.  No breaks, just 10 minutes between 2-3 hour classes.  UGH.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Nursing school isn't for sissies. 

I got an iPad for next semester.  I'm going to get the majority of my books on it and take my notes there to decrease the strain on my neck and shoulders.  No backpack!  Hopefully this will allow the my neck to heal up some and my left arm to come back to life.  I am ready to have it not be numb and tingling all the time.  I am IN LOVE with my iPad. Between that and my iPhone, I am ready to kick all non Apple electronics to the curb.  I think my next computer purchase will be macintosh for SURE.  Love Love Love.

We are in for more snow tonight.  We had the snowiest November on record...and it all came during the last week of the month!  It was ca-razy.  You all know how I feel about snow.  I am ready for summer already.  Hmmm.  Well that's not going to happen.  Oy.  I keep looking at my pics from last summer and pretending it's just around the corner.  It gets me through the cold days. 

Ok, I have to go get ready for the Gonzaga Faculty Christmas party.  Our last one ever.  Hopefully it will be lots of fun!!

Merry Christmas to you all :)

~Ronna

Of visits home, school and panic attacks.

I had a visit home last weekend.  It was the nicest escape from reality I have had for quite a while.  And I really did escape.  I went golfing with a couple of friends one morning and just goofed off like I didn't have a care in the world.  I played with my grandbabies.  I watched my nephew play college baseball for the first time since he started college (he is a senior).   I spent much needed time with my daughter.  I got to play mousetrap with my sister and Emma.  I just chilled.

Well for the most part.  There were the nights where I locked myself in my room and studied (one night until 2 am) but for the most part I just enjoyed being home and not spending the entire weekend consumed by school. 

When I was driving home I spent an inordinate amount of time shopping the outlet malls on the west side of the mountains.  I hate shopping.  Especially for winter clothes.  But shop I did.  For 5 hours. 

When I finally got on the road and started to crest the pass to Eastern WA, I had a full blown panic attack.  Crying, couldn't breathe, felt like I was going to throw up.  What the heck? 

I have been dealing with a ridiculous amount of stress at school, not all of it related to school work.  I'm not going to elaborate on a public venue, I will just say that I was put in a position that I should never have been put in and I was not able to get out of it and it was pressing me to the floor.  I had no idea how badly it was effecting me until I tried to drive home.  And nearly couldn't. 

So what did I do?  I phoned a friend.  They were able to calm me down and at the end of the call I was laughing and able to drive the rest of the way home with some perspective and a determination to deal with the BS and make all of this better.

Which I did, finally.  Yesterday.  I am less stressed today, in some ways.  More in others.  My grades are not what I want.  I am frustrated by that.  I had a goal of graduating with honors and I see that slipping away in a cloud of 22 credits and B- grades.  I am taking a huge class load and it is too much.  No matter how much I hate summer school I won't do this again.  It's just too hard. 

I'm just so tired.  I never knew how hard all of this go go go would be.  7 hour straight classes followed by hours of homework.  I am trying to be present for my family but I spend the majority of my time sitting right here.  In this very seat. I am surprised my butt is not shaped like this chair.  Or my seat at school.  I am not actually sure if I am tired, or just tired of school.  Probably both.  I am so ready for Christmas break.  I honestly do not even care if I leave my house for 3 straight weeks. 

I need to find the happy here.  It's in here somewhere.  I just need to remember how to navigate to it. 

I am surrounded by books and concept maps, chocolate and red wine.

I really want to whine and moan and complain.  But instead I am going to say that I am studying hard.  Eating too much.  Drinking my share of red wine and eating my way through a bag of mini chocolate chips.  It helps with the stress. 

It's almost mid term.  How. Did. That. Happen.

I'm sorry I am a neglectful blogger.  But you see, if you could catch a glimpse of my desk you would understand.  I promise to resurface someday...

~R

Well Hello There

It's been a while.  I have been so busy with...well SCHOOL stuff that I have kind of forgotten that I have this little thing called a blog.

And I have about 2.5 seconds to tell you that:

A) not much has changed.  My life is still nutso

B) I am sick, which makes school harder.

C) My pediatric clinical experience has been puncutated by a lice outbreak which pretty much freaked me out.  Lice, are disgusting and I keep jumping every time I feel itchy.

I can't really talk about my clinicals other than to say they are pretty much a yawn this semester and school is pretty much just busy work intended to kill my spirit.  I have 12 weeks left in this semester and I am hoping each one of them flies by as quickly as the past 4 has because, seriously.  I am going to be a blithering idiot before too long. 

Ok, I need to take my illness to bed.  TTFN

So the beginning of my day was awesome...

But the end of my day kind of sucked. 

This morning I went to my physical fitness class at 5:30 am knowing that everyone else would be taking a test of their ability to run 2 miles, do push ups and sit ups...and I would probably be failing this test miserably.  I have a pulled hamstring and a torn rotator cuff so pushups are a no go, and as for sit ups, well I can do SIT UP.  As in one, the "proper military way" (hands behind head etc).  When I got there my instructor said to me, "What time does the gym open?" and I said, "6:00." and he said, "See ya." I was STOKED because I really didn't want to risk reinjuring my hamstring when it was just getting back in shape.  So I went to the gym and worked my butt off on the climbing/gliding machine that I love so much for 30 minutes until I couldn't go another second.  After that I went to weigh in and made weight (thankyouverymuch) and proceeded to shower and spend the next 7 straight hours in class.  After all that I checked my email and there was an email from one of the cadre members basically chewing me out for having "skipped out on the PT test".  He was nice enough about it be the end result was clear, I was shamming and he didn't like it. 

It made me cry. 

I wrote him back and explained the situation to him.  It made me feel like crap because I have been working so hard to get in shape and then he acts like I am just playing around at this and not taking it seriously.  Really?  I pulled my hamstring trying to keep up with the freaking freshmen who were doing sprints after standing outside in the freezing cold.  My muscles were not warm and I ended up injured.  Hmm.  And get this, he is not even my instructor.

I will not let this get me down.  I will continue to persevere.  But it made me mad.  And now I have to go play nice with everyone (including this person) at a barbeque because *oh yes* my husband works with them. 

Game face on.  I can do this. 

And just you wait Cpt. Poop Head.  I will show YOU.  You cannot rain on my parade and get away with it for long. 

Tomorrow...

Clinicals start.

I am oddly nervous.  Why am I nervous?  This is all old hat to me.

Maybe because this signals the start of the new reality in my life.   
Ronna P. BSN 

I always thought those letters were so pretentious.  But now?  Now I can't wait to sign my nursing notes with those three little letters.  Sometimes I don't know why I waited so long.  Sometimes I can't believe I was so afraid of this. I had every excuse in the book as for why I didn't finish school.  But the truth was, I was scared to death that I didn't have it in me.  Some days I still feel that way, but it's just the lack of sleep talking.  When I close my eyes all I can see is me, in a blue cap and gown (and honor cord around my neck), walking across that stage with a HUGE smile on my face.

That is what gets me out of bed and to school every day.  613 more wake ups and I will be there. 

Sometimes I question my sanity.

Today was the first day of my first official semester in nursing school.  I was excited when I went to bed and my tummy was all a-flutter in ways I haven't experienced since high school.

At least that's what I thought it was.  About an hour later I was in the bathroom praying to God to "please let me die now, it would just be easier that way." Apparently God was not interested in granting that wish because I am here typing this for you to read.

I spent the remainder of the night in and out of bed that way and come morning I was exhausted.  Now, I am nervous AND wiped out and still feeling a little queasy.  I'd like to come face to face with the little virus who held court over my innards last night because he was a mighty foe. 

Fast forward to 9:30 am today and I am sitting in a room with 32 other bright shiny new nursing students and we are about to get the rude awakening of our lives.  A 6 hour orientation to what felt like the entire nursing course but what was actually only one of our 5 classes.  Holy. Cow. I kept saying to the girls around me, "How can this be only one class???  WHAT IS YET TO COME THIS WEEK???  They kept looking back at me in fear, the same look I am sure I was giving them. All the while the evil virus was lurking about making his presence known with occasional waves of nausea. 



I should be thankful.  I AM thankful.  I will be thankful.  Tomorrow.  After I have had a good nights sleep and...oh wait. Tomorrow I start my Military physical fitness class.  Maybe I will be thankful on Thursday...

Repeat after me: May 13, 2012.  May 13, 2012.  May 13, 2012.  I will graduate with honors thankyouverymuch.


I can do this.  I can. I will. I must.


 

I always tell my oldest that she was the best thing I ever did.

My oldest daughter Hannah has grown up to be the most incredible woman, wife and mother.  When she was younger I used to tell her all the time that she was the best thing I ever did. And here is living proof of that.  Check out her latest blog posting.  She amazes me.  Every.Single.Day.

http://thenotsosimplelife2.blogspot.com/2010/08/happy-little-moments.html

I love you Hannah!!

Migraines are a bummer

I have been doing pretty well the past few weeks with my migraines, I don't know if it is the exercise or the lack of stress or both.  But just now, getting ready for bed the world went sideways and all the lovely aura stuff started that signals a WHOPPER of a migraine.  Yay me.

Come to think of it, I did drink a bunch of red wine last night with my friend who was visiting from out of town, I am surprised it took this long to hit me.

I, am seriously a dork sometimes.  Self induced pain.  I guess I will take this head of mine to bed and hope when I wake up to run at 5 am I am feeling human again. 

*le sigh*

Friends are the most amazing thing.

I am pretty lucky I guess.  I have had a close set of friends since I was 12 years old.  This group of people, six of us, have been through countless crushes, a few dates and a marriage and divorce amongst us in the past 30 years and yet we remain friends.  This past weekend we got together and hung out, played golf, poker, dice games, and sat by the fire.  We laughed, we told stories, looked at old pictures, we drank way too much and we stayed up way too late.  When all was said and done, we were all pretty amazed at how resilient our friendships have remained to this day.  I wish I lived closer to these people so that I could see them more than once a year.  This past weekend has made me more homesick than ever. 

Tammy, Billy, Jim (Fuzz), Chris and Kylene, (and little sis Lori) you guys wrote the pages of my story and I love you all so very much.  I hope we are meeting at the Gate Ranch when we are 80 and playing Ronna Rules golf and I am killing you all at poker.  Every.Time.

Tammy loves her side ponytail :)  It helps her to play poker better.  NAWT.

Three little monkeys sitting in a tree (left to right, Lori, Tammy and Ronna)

Chris (in the blue hat)  passing out the chips for MY poker game, he should have just given them all to me.

Because I ended up with them all anyway :D (Yes, these are MY chips)

I said SMILE! Fuzz and his son Jackson were the only ones paying attention lol.  (Left to right, Lori (in the ponytail), Chris(blue cap) Billy, Fuzzy, Jackson, Tammy's arm and Jim Senior.  Standing in back is Tad)

Fuzzy getting ready to show us how it's done.  Or not.

Kylene with her awesome form, :P

Tammy putting like a champ.  All those hours of putt putt golf paid off :D

The motley crew.

Chris channeling Happy Gilmore :)

Kylene  wearing Chris' sweatshirt.  It was HUGE so I climbed inside with her to get warm lol

Fuzz wearing his "bluetooth"

A better look at the apparatus...hmm looks like a hair clippy to me....

Billy showing us how it is done.  Nice form WCF!!

Honorary member of the crew, "li'l sis" Lori giving Chris some tips.  Hmmm. Maybe she is actually saying "Um, I think my ball is waaaaayyyyy over there...."

What trip to Western Washington is complete without a visit from a friendly slug??   Ewwww...

Thanks for loving me as I am my friends.  My world is a better place because of all of you. 

~R

Books. Books will be the death of my savings account.

Welcome to the first semester of Nursing School.  Kiss your money goodbye.

How does the smallest book in this pile cost the most money? Used? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

I'm in the wrong business.  I need to start publishing books.

Naps are underrated

Today I took a three hour nap.  It was WONDERFUL. Of course this morning I woke up at 6 am and went for a run and did sit ups and push ups...but that's for another blog.  No wonder I needed a nap.

Again I will say it, NAPS ARE WONDERFUL!  I think there should be a national nap day at least once a week.  Heck, once a day.  National Nap Hour.  I like it.  Except maybe it should be 2 hours.  *sigh*  Why can't 2 year olds understand this concept?