Of long breaks from blogging...

Dear Blog, I have abused you this year.  I just looked back and realized I have not addressed you since the beginning of this school year.  This may be a testament to the brutality of the school year, or it may be a testament to the brutality of my life this past year, either way there has not been much I have felt comfortable writing down in a public venue.  Oh how I wish I had a private place to dump my feelings that was at the same time safe and private and also public/anonymous so that I could get support from complete strangers.  It has been a hard 6 months.

But in this 6 months of hardship, of being away from my husband, of biting clinicals and horrifyingly bad tests and care plans I learned that I am not a weak person. I also learned that true love conquers all. That love the comes from a source not within our selves is the only true love and is capable of bringing about healing in the worst of situations. I learned that I am a very fallible human, weak to my very core. My husband realized that he cannot, in fact, live his life or take one breath without me.  It has been good/bad/ugly and finally redeeming. And that was just October.

Now I am in the homestretch and I live my life for those 6 hour plane rides that take me back to my lover and best friend. It took us 16 years but amazingly, I finally have this man in my life who knows what unconditional love is.  He has come to realize that he cannot breathe without me. It is crushing to know this. I feel like a giddy school girl every time I see him.  Recently before I left for a flight back to the mainland we were clinging to each other at the airport and I was pretty upset when I got on the plane and a woman asked me how long it would be before I saw my boyfriend again, and how long we had been together.  When I replied that it was my husband and we had been married almost 16 years her jaw dropped.  She couldn't believe that people who had been married that long could have such an intense love and connection. The truth is, it never has to go away.  God means for us to love for a lifetime and I believe we can and should.  It's about priorities. It takes work. Yes we fight but they never last for long.  I hate being mad at him.  It ruins everything.

I am so ready to be done and be with him and start our life.  I hate being in this holding pattern.

*sigh*  Trials and tribulation make us grow.  I know this.  But I think I am done growing for a bit.

First week of my last year.

So after a very busy but surprisingly refreshing summer, I came home and in a whirlwind I: packed up my household goods and sent them to Maui, moved into my *very small apartment*, has to put my dog to sleep and moved my youngest into the dorms for the last time.  Literally all within the space of 8 days.  To say I was stressed would be an understatement.  I lost 10 pounds in 5 days.  I, was a wreck.  I still haven't dealt with the death of my dog.  I've had her since she was 7 weeks old and she was just shy of her 12th birthday.  She was a wonderful loving girl and I miss her terribly.  My husband is 2600 miles away and I seriously thought I might have a nervous break down before the week was out.  

But I didn't.  I did that thing Army Wives do.  I just did.  Now I just have to survive this one last year.  I am realizing that I have this year to plan out all the things I want to do one last time before I leave this place that I think I hate so much.  But maybe, I don't hate it so much.  I just am through being here.  I felt the same way when we were almost through being on Oahu and then the last day, when we were standing in the airport suddenly I didn't want to leave.  I don't want that to be my experience here so I am going to make sure I do it all.  Make all the memories I can one last time.  Even though I am here alone, I'm not really alone.  I have my friends and we are making memories that I love.  

And then, I'm outta here.  Maui, look out.  You will never be the same once I get there.  :)

The one entitled "how my life went from crazy to insane in 24 hours" otherwise known as normal around here.

We moved to Maui.  Best decision ever.  When we made this decision we did it fully knowing that we would have to "sell" our house in Spokane which in today's market actually meant that we would probably end up losing it and our good credit score and therefore we would lose the ability to buy another home for a good 5-7 years.

When we got to Hawaii we discovered that we could actually buy a house completely, close it, move in and everything, before we sold our Spokane house.  This was good news.  We decided to immediatley start house hunting.  Houses in Maui are breath taking.  Breathtakingly EXPENSIVE.  But we found THE HOUSE.  I mean, I was ready to move in immediately and never leave.  We offered a ridiculous offer.  They accepted.  We owned a house.

Now we had to let go of our Spokane house by starting the short sell process (ugly, not something we wanted to do.)  BUT WAIT! Within hours of buying the house in Maui, an offer came in on our house in Spokane.  Nearly full price.  Good enough that we will not lose a penny.  We bought and sold our homes in the space of a day.

My head is spinning.  Now Husband has two houses (the new one and his rental cottage) and I have none.  I have to find a place to live and I will not be home until about 5 days before closing.  I will actually be out of the country.  Makes Craigslist hunting a bit tough.  But God has provided to this point and I am not going to stress.  I am going to sit and think about the view from my back yard and the beauty that awaits me when I return to Maui after successfully completing my last year of nursing school.  43 years old.  Finally graduating with a Bachelors of Science.  That's me.  All grown up.

Just trying to remember to breath.  In.  Out.  In....

Pharmacology is not always our friend

For a while now (almost 6 years) I have been dealing with a hernieated disc in my neck and the resultant pain and suffering.  I have tried accupuncture, massage, narcotics, chiropractic, you name it for pain. Then my doc prescribed what, at the time, seemed to be a wonder drug for me.  It took away the pain and *hey* I lost a couple of pounds too.  What could be better.

Except then I started having some wicked side effects from said wonder drug.  I will spare you the details, suffice it to say, my GI tract hated me. 

So I decided that neck pain was better than feeling like I was dying in the abdominal area all the time and I started tapering off the medication (on the advice of my MD).  The taper went well, I started feeling better in the tummy area and finally I was human again (except for my neck). This lasted about a week.

Suddenly I woke up one morning about 4 days ago and I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland when she eats some of the good drugs.  My body was all disconnected from my brain in ways I cannot even explain.  The literature calls it "brain zaps".  The best way I can explain it is that it feels like my nerve endings are fried and not connecting to each other, a sort of shocking feeling and my vision is all stuttery.  Add to this a constant migraine (oh yes, this is also a known withdrawal side effect).  I.HATE.THIS.DRUG.  This can all go on for WEEKS.  Even though I tapered off very slowly, the side effects too a week after my last dose to even show up.

Dear friends, I will admit.  I woke up this morning and took one of my Cymbalta pills, and then called my MD and asked for a lower dose, slower taper.  This is unbearable.  And unconcionable.  How this med made it past the FDA is beyond me.  It should be banned. 

I am not a happy nurse right now.  :(

Typing with one eye closed is a bad idea

I just reread my last post and giggled at all the typos and bad grammar. Very tired was I and quite possibly a little high on some pain meds. But I am pleased with my new blog design (except for the font color of the bio...still have to work on that).

Today was spent on an ethics test. Tough subject matter (physician assisted suicide and passive and active euthanasia) and in the middle I decided to research transferring to U of Maui finish my degree. I'm not sure it is possible but I am still considering looking into it. I am not excited about leaving this beautiful place or my amazing husband in 6 short weeks.

Ok I know I promised a breezy update and it IS coming but it is 12:10 AM and I will no doubt be awake at 5:00 when the roosters start up...yes Maui has a chicken problem. Oy.

Aloha!

First blog on my newly redesigned blog

I'm in Maui, I am sick, I have taken some serious medications to help me to sleep and hopefully not alternatively cough and say "ow" all night related to that pesky kidney stone that doesn't seem to ever want to come out.  This could have effected some of the color choices and text decisions  of my new blog design (do you like it?).  And of course any of the odd words that may appear in this blog.  I am making a disclaimer up front.  I am typing with one eye closed because, of course when you are seeing double it only makes sense to close one eye, right?

I need to go to bed and get some rest and hopefully feel better.  I promise a long and windy update soon.  My one sad thing I need to say today is that I accidently fell in LOVE with a house in Kula today.  So did Allen.  We were so in love with it we were considering how to write offers etc (this is totally not in our plan right now).  Then we emailed the listing to our daughter and she called and said, "What does this mean where is says you have to be 50% Hawaiian to buy and qualify for blah blah blah?  I stopped listening at the 50% Hawaiian part because I immediately knew that it was a Hawaiian Family Homes property and we would never be able to buy it.  I also lost a part of my soul  It was so sad.  I almost cried.  Alas, there will be other homes..but this wat the home.   Ah well.

Ok my eyes are crossing, time to drag my carcass to bed.  Love to you all!  More on my adventures when I am actually conscious!

~R

R

I can't believe I finished the whole thing.

First year down.  I am now a senior in college.  It may have taken a few years to get here but I'm HERE!!  This past year has been one of the most intense experiences of my life but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I am so happy that I chose to go back to school and finish my degree, and that I chose to get a bachelors degree.  And to have done it with mostly A's makes me the most happy of all.  One more year and I will be there!!

Now for a much deserved 12 day rest before I start my summer school classes...Hey they never said it would be easy :)